i_like_red | (no subject)

So, my practical exam today was against Chronos-sensei. It's the first time I've dueled him since my first year and... it just felt right to end my last school year with a duel like that... I totally forgot I was even being tested on it actually.
Weird thing was... it ended just like my first duel with him did, just...
...it was really nostalgic.
Then he kinda broke down crying in front of everyone, heheh ^^;

But thank you, Chronos-sensei! For being my final opponent as a student at the Academy and for being a great teacher.

A lot of people turned up for the memorial for Ryuuji yesterday in the lobby, it was... sad but... it was nice to share memories too so...
...talked to Chronos-sensei about maybe putting a memorial somewhere in the academy for him too, he said he'd see what he could do about it.

I think they're giving the written tests out tomorrow... guess that's when I'll be heading home. Tried calling home another three times today, still no reply so... guess my parents aren't there at all, looks like I'll probably be home alone then...

I think I'll just go take a shower and nap for a while or something.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's all right. You can say it whenever you're ready.

I...
...need help.
It's just...

*Well, it was a start, an obvious cry for help, but a start*

*IT IS A START. Kouyou waits for Juudai to keep going.*

... I've been feeling... depressed... moody... my health hasn't been doing too good... because I get worked up, I get worried... and stressed...
Some nights I don't sleep well because I remember things... stuff I've seen, things that I'm scared of seeing happen again... things I can't really get out of my head... I've just had to try and push them to the back of my mind to keep going but... it's always there. The images, the sights, sounds... it weighs on my mind a lot at times...

I wake up each day and fear something has happened or that something will happen and... it scares me because I know how fast everything can be taken away from me.

*As he talks, he's visibly getting more and more upset as he hears himself speak. His hands are gripping the cup tightly and they're shaking slightly*

I've lost faith in myself... I've screwed up a lot of things lately, especially when it counted and was important... I feel I've taken about 20 steps back with everything.
Somedays, I feel like crying and I don't know why.
Ryuuji died because I was stupid enough to lose an important duel and the card that created that whole mess in the first place!!
And it's not even the first time I've been responsible for his death either...

And you know... I was hoping once I graduated, I'd have a shot at a more normal life.... but I can't even have that!! Because I might just end up going crazy and killing people just to make some stupid card!! How can I have a normal life with that hanging over my head!? How can I keep telling Asuka I'll protect her when I might end up hurting her!? Or my friends, I might end up hurting them!!
I feel like I should just be locked away for everyone's safety!

*At this point, his hands are shaking so much with emotion, the cup just slips from his hands and falls to the floor, luckily it doesn't break, but the coffee spills out onto the carpet. Juudai doesn't seem to react much to it as he looks at his hands. His face then screws up as he tries to hold back the want to just cry out in frustration at himself. So he simply cups his hands over his face.
As he sits there, shaking and making very poor attempts to hold back everything, Kouyou may hear a muffled sound coming from him that sounds pretty much like "...I'm scared".
And this is the extent of how much of a wreck he really is. Good luck, Kouyou :|*

*Kouyou doesn't really know what to say. He really can't think of a good response. So instead, he just puts a hand on Juudai's shoulder... then hugs the poor boy. It sounds like he needs it.*

*Juudai accepts the hug and gives in to the want to cry, but hugs and crying are only temporary solutions, he's learned.
He feels so frustrated. If he can't help himself, and no-one else can help him, what else can he do!? He can't even go and get any kind of professional help, because there is no psychiatrist in the world that would hear what he had to say and not want to lock him away in some crazy house.
He was terrified that's where he'd end up.... absolutely terrified.

Eventually, Juudai just starts to feel dizzy and sick again and his head is pounding. He's worked himself up too much.*

It's going to be all right, Juudai.

*Juudai wished he could believe those words right now, but it really didn't feel like everything was going to be okay.

His stomach turning, his body shivering, and his face incredibly pale, Juudai pulls away from Kouyou slowly, muttering something along the lines of "...I have to go", he feels he's troubled Kouyou enough and he really isn't feeling well. He stands up and starts moving towards the door, but his vision starts blurring and all he can hear is ringing in his ears.

He doesn't even make it to the door before he passes out.*

*Kouyou runs over, then picks Juudai up (somehow), and manages to get Juudai into his bed to rest.*

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